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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26589823">we’re not just friends (you called me lover)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/stevebuckiest/pseuds/stevebuckiest'>stevebuckiest</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Captain America (Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Implied Bottom Steve, Love Confessions, M/M, Miscommunication, Panic Attacks, for like 2 secs, moron! be gentle with them theyre gay and stupid</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 13:20:29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,272</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26589823</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/stevebuckiest/pseuds/stevebuckiest</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky gets to his breaking point approximately twenty minutes after Steve says ‘I love you’ to him while Bucky is buried balls deep inside his ass. Steve doesn’t say anything about it afterwards, just faintly sighs as Bucky pulls out, rolls over to his side of the bed, and lets silence awkwardly fill the room. </p><p> </p><p>Steve’s the one that breaks it, voice still fucked-out and dreamy, if not a bit hushed. “Thanks, pal.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>282</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>we’re not just friends (you called me lover)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>a rewritten upload of one of my former tumblr ficlets ! steve does have a panic attack and bucky does get a bit heated but it’s all just a miscommunication and they get it settled in the end.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Bucky has had plenty of friends in his life. He wasn’t exactly unpopular before the war (far from it, actually), he had the Howlies during, and after? Well, it’s been a bit of a rough road getting here, but he has the team, the guys he talks about bikes with, even a few women at the hair salon he goes to who like to gossip with him. So, Bucky Barnes is no stranger to the company of a good friend. He likes that, he’s never been much of a loner (outside of the brainwashed assassin stretch of his life), but that’s not a bad thing to him. Companionship is nice. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The thing is, despite being his closest friend since childhood: Steve Rogers is another thing. Most of Bucky’s friends don’t regularly have him rail them into next week and not talk about it the next morning. He thinks that’s more of a one night stand type of deal, and considering this is about the twentieth time he’s ended up with Steve ass up face down in bed, dick pounding into the blonde punk he calls his best friend…he thinks he could say they’re safely out of that territory when it comes to labelling their relationship. The problem is, Bucky doesn’t really know </span>
  <em>
    <span>where</span>
  </em>
  <span> they’re going. And he doesn’t know if Steve would say the same about them going anywhere at all. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky gets to his breaking point approximately twenty minutes after Steve says ‘I love you’ to him while Bucky is buried balls deep inside his ass. Steve doesn’t say anything about it afterwards, just faintly sighs as Bucky pulls out, rolls over to his side of the bed, and lets silence awkwardly fill the room. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Steve’s the one that breaks it, voice still fucked-out and dreamy, if not a bit hushed. “Thanks, pal.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Jesus fucking Christ</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Pal? </span>
  <em>
    <span>Pal</span>
  </em>
  <span>? After what they just did?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky, for one, has had enough of this. He knows this is a two way street- he’s choosing to have sex with Steve, choosing to torture himself like this, choosing to not talk about it because having </span>
  <em>
    <span>this</span>
  </em>
  <span> is more than having nothing. But that </span>
  <em>
    <span>I love you-</span>
  </em>
  <span> it might have been the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Bucky doesn’t know if he can take this for much longer. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky’s come is still in Steve’s goddamn ass, the guy said that he loves him, and now they’re supposed to just go back to being just friends? </span>
  <em>
    <span>Pals</span>
  </em>
  <span>? What, they’re supposed to just go back to being some straight-boy frat-boy duo? Give them some cheesy fucking name like </span>
  <em>
    <span>the Brooklyn Bros?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Christ, that sounds like a bad street food show on the Food Network. He can’t do this anymore, he’s tired of it and he feels like he’s about to explode in every emotional sense. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Fuck it. He can’t take it, he can’t go on without saying shit. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Friends don’t do this kind of shit, Stevie.” Bucky’s voice is rough in the low lamplight of the bedroom. At this point he couldn’t tell you from what. Either the tears threatening to spill loose, or the fact that Steve had fucked his throat hoarse not more than an hour ago. Of course, there was always the option of both reasons together. That would be closest to the truth, if the truth had any place here. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Steve isn’t looking at Bucky, just lying next to him in bed staring straight ahead at his closed closet doors like they might give him some answers about what to say. Bucky finds a little bit of would-be humor in that. The would-be being, maybe if he wasn’t so torn up about Steve and Steve’s sexual proclivities right now he would laugh. Make a joke. But he is. Torn up, as it were.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He takes in a deep breath and steels himself to try again. “Steve, please don’t ignore me.” He attempts to control his voice but he knows it comes out pleading, and he hates it, hates that he has to resort to begging in order to get an answer from the man he’s in love with.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Steve’s jaw clenches, and he still doesn’t look at Bucky, but he asks very quietly, “they don’t do what?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you fucking kidding me, man?” Bucky sits bolt upright in bed and pointedly doesn’t cringe at how the cold air hits his still bare skin when the blanket slips off. “Friends don’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>fuck</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Stevie. Not usually. And even the ones that do, they don’t share the same bed every night, they don’t do a lot of the shit that we do.” Before Steve can muster out another “like what?” answer out, Bucky goes on, fuming. “They don’t kiss each other good morning, they don’t call each other pet names, they don’t sort each others’ pills, they don’t go to each others’ doctor appointments, they don’t give each other their jackets, they don’t cuddle up in public, they don’t call each other their partner to other people, and they sure as fuck do not say </span>
  <em>
    <span>I love you </span>
  </em>
  <span>during sex!” During his tirade, he watches every example he lists make Steve flinch, sinking lower and lower until he’s practically hunched over on himself. Bucky desperately wants to comfort him, but he can’t when he’s been keeping this inside for so long. He owes that bit of pride to himself. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So he keeps himself away and continues, until at the very last phrase, the one that’s memory is still etching into Bucky’s mind from earlier tonight, he sees Steve bring a hand up to cover his mouth and muffle what Bucky thinks might be a sob.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky doesn’t- well, he wasn’t prepared for </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> reaction. He doesn’t understand it, so he just sits stock still, pushing back his own tears and just staring at Steve’s shaking form, waiting for a response and aching to hold the other man through the silence but not finding himself able to deny himself of what he truly wants any longer when they’ve been going through the unspoken measures of it for years anyways. It hurts, being so close to having what you want but knowing it will never be completely yours.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Along that sentiment, Steve isn’t fully crying. When he raises his head, his eyes are shining but there are no tear tracks on his face. His voice is still wet when he speaks regardless of how blank his expression is. “Buck…I didn’t… I’ll stop, I just didn’t know it made you uncomfortable.” He pauses and then picks back up, voice so small that Bucky has to strain to hear it. “I’m sorry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What?” Bucky says incredulously. Suddenly, nothing makes sense. Not even his </span>
  <em>
    <span>own</span>
  </em>
  <span> feelings. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Steve squares his bare shoulders and forces himself to sit up, facing his body towards Bucky but keeping his head bowed. Like he’s ashamed, but of what, Bucky doesn’t know. “I- I never meant to make you uncomfortable- or to push you- it was selfish of me, I’m sorry, Bucky. I understand- if you don’t want me staying here anymore.” They’ve practically lived together in Bucky’s apartment since their reunion. They both call it home, easily, and Steve is trying to leave? Bucky’s eyebrows shoot up, and he’s about to interject but Steve pushes on with painful resolution. “I’m sorry I pushed my feelings on you. I won’t say it again, I swear, Buck, </span>
  <em>
    <span>please</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” and Before Bucky can really even process what’s been said, he ends up holding him in the way he’s been aching to since the first sobbing sound, arms wrapped tight around his shivering shoulders.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Steve is having a panic attack- reminiscent of the asthma attacks he had in the forties, but Bucky remembers there had been these too, even before. The frantic draw for breath is familiar, and he can’t stand to sit by and watch Steve try and hold himself together on his own, not even when Bucky is mad at him for empty lovemaking and a shadow of a relationship that Bucky has desperately wanted since he was a teen.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Steve tries to fight him off, strangely, and Bucky is confused by it. It’s never happened before, not even when he was like a bristly kitten at every perceived jab at his weaknesses. But now, he shoves at Bucky’s arms, too emotional and weak limbed to do much more than redden the skin of Bucky’s flesh arm. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Stop,” he gasps, chest heaving at every ragged word that follows. “Buck, stop, you don’t have to anymore- I said I wouldn’t make you anymore, </span>
  <em>
    <span>please-</span>
  </em>
  <span>“ and now Bucky is even more confused.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He tries to keep his voice calm enough for the both of them. “Stevie, I don’t know what you mean, I need you to calm down- </span>
  <em>
    <span>breathe</span>
  </em>
  <span>, don’t talk right now-  and tell me what you’re saying,” he tries to ask calmly, but inside he’s reeling. “What are you making me do?” He just wants to fucking understand, damnit.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Steve falls limp, still breathing heavy and blinking away tears, but quieted down enough for Bucky to hear him whisper “Making you let me take care of you for once, Buck. I’m sorry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky is aghast. He- Steve thinks he’s forcing Bucky to let him take care of him? He doesn’t understand. They’ve always taken care of each other. “What?” he says, quieter this time. His arms are still locked around Steve’s back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Steve, collapsed back onto his lap, sniffs. “All the things you said friends didn’t do- that I was doing for you. They were all things you…you did before. ‘Cept the sex, which means I pushed you into it. But I thought you wanted it, too, Buck, swear I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t…” He finishes, voice sadder than any day Bucky has lived. And Bucky has lived through plenty of those. But Steve isn’t done. “I’m sorry I was- too much.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky needs a moment to process. Steve thought…that was what friends did. And thinking back on it now to his choppy memories, Steve was right in that Bucky had done all that for him, before- they shared the same bed for warmth. He kissed him on the forehead whenever he left for work as a joke that really was just meant to poorly conceal his actual feelings. He called Steve ”punk” and “doll” to ruffle his feathers. He sorted Steve’s medication and dealt with his doctors because he was always too stubborn and sick to. He gave Steve his jacket and cuddled up to him when it was too cold out of fear he’d die without it. He let people call them </span>
  <em>
    <span>partners</span>
  </em>
  <span> during the war- he lets people do that now. He </span>
  <em>
    <span>did</span>
  </em>
  <span> do all of that, all without ever letting the other man know that he loved him, and here he was shaming Steve for doing the same thing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’s a jerk. But besides that…Steve thought that Bucky was mad about the sex? That he didn’t want it? He can’t let him think that, not for one moment longer.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Stevie, hey,” he says gently, smoothing the blonde’s hair back from his forehead. Steve just lets out a miserable noise, squirming away from the touch, but Bucky isn’t having that right now. He has things to fix, damnit. “You didn’t push me into having sex with you, honey. I wanted that, I swear. Always have, don’t you know that?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Steve shakes his head, disbelieving. “Then why are you mad at me, Buck? I don’t understand,” he whispers. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky has to swallow now, unsure of what to say. What can he say, really? </span>
  <em>
    <span>I was mad at you for loving me the way I’ve loved you my entire life? I’m in love with you and it hurts that you do everything I want you to, but you don’t</span>
  </em>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Oh.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And then it hits him. Steve did all those things…things that Bucky did because he loves him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Steve had sex with him because he thought that Bucky wanted him back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Steve…Steve said that he loves him because he thought that Bucky wanted him back in that way and now- Christ, they’re both the dumbest sacks of shit in the world. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He grabs Steve’s chin and looks at him. “When you said that you loved me…When you did all those things that I just got upset with you for, why did you do them, Steve?” he asks quietly. Steve’s eyes widen and tear up again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t be cruel, Buck,” he says brokenly. “It was already bad enough when- when you got mad at me for it, please don’t make it worse. I said I was sorry, isn’t that enough?” His deep voice is shaking. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky finds himself unable to hold back yet again, but this time for what he hopes is a much better reason. He holds Steve’s face in his hands, forcing their reddened eyes together. “Steve, everything I have </span>
  <em>
    <span>ever</span>
  </em>
  <span> done for you I’ve done because I love you. You’re not too much. You’re </span>
  <em>
    <span>everything</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There it is. Bucky’s truth, all out in the open. He’s not afraid like he was earlier, though. Because-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve’s eyes widen at the confession, and he looks at Bucky with his mouth slack for a good thirty seconds before he’s throwing himself on him and kissing him fiercely. Bucky rolls them backwards on the bed and pulls Steve tight on top of him. They break away from the kiss and Steve is gasping, more happiness now in his expression than Bucky has seen in a century of being alive. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you back, you big mook, weren’t you listening earlier?”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>as usual i am a feedback moocher...</p></blockquote></div></div>
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